These words keep following me.
Recently my sifu observed that I’m trying to walk forward while holding on to a boulder with both hands. That boulder … “is it fear?” I asked. He confirmed, but … fear of what?
This saying crops up a lot on pages that address narcissism … um … fallout. I’ve been staying up late for days trolling such pages, trying to figure out why I feel so gutted, a little crazy, and mournful; let that suffice as explanation of my summer. I do not think Walter’s up there pulling strings to see me (us) hook up with … that. But I felt so *led*. And then … I fell pretty hard. So I spent most of August extricating myself, but it hurt. Still hurts. Guess I was more vulnerable than I thought.
Then, this last Saturday night, God says, “I see you” through a friend. And this week, in conversations with my cool friends Judit and Helena, I start to see where God might be pointing me now. I see recurring themes of open-ended ministry, and I see need. Then I arrive to kung fu last night to – surprise! I’m leading basic class?! *terror* And Sifu Tristan coached me not on my fear of public speaking, or the fact that I’m choreographically challenged, but my fear of leadership.
Leadership: Like, the role you can’t escape when your husband dies. Of course. And I’m surrounded by the fallout of broken people raised by broken people who turned inward and embraced their brokenness, instead of turning outward and joining God in healing others’ brokenness — essentially, leadership. But have I been embracing it? Well … not exactly.
So, I ask Sifu Tristan this morning: Is it fear of leadership? “How about letting go?” He answers.
And wouldn’t you know it: This morning at Thatcher’s Coffee, Sheri says, “Look!” and here it is: “‘What if I fall?’ Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”
And Sheri and I have this beautiful walk on the Vancouver waterfront, and talk about the recurring theme of letting go in scripture, and I tell her all the stuff that’s been happening this past week. And it all falls into place.
Helena says revival’s happening all around us. Yeah, I think she’s right.